When was the last time you exercised your faith? How do you have faith in something that you’ve never seen before? Is there a certain amount of faith that you have to have until you finally give up? How do you have faith when you’ve been let down before?
When it comes to my relationship with God and my spiritual walk, these are all questions I’ve had to answer for myself. Sometimes these are questions that I’ve asked myself. Faith is a great thing in theory. But when you are in the midst of trying times or knee-deep in a difficult situation, it can be hard to have. It can be hard to keep.
I thought this article would be harder for me to write, but it turns out it’s not that difficult. Let’s face it; my life is an open book at the end of the day. I have nothing to hide and have never hidden anything from you all. So why start now?
Having Faith Means It Will Get Tested
At the end of 2019, shortly before Thanksgiving, my husband and I were pregnant. It was a joyful time for our family and us. The first part of this testimony is a little gut-wrenching. We initially went to one doctor, who said they could not see our pregnancy. After taking multiple pregnancy tests, I knew that I was pregnant. God told me I was pregnant. After almost passing out in their office with this news, I told them to wait and see. You will see it in seven days. The doctor proceeded to stare at me with a “poor lady” look, but I wasn’t having it.
“Return to your fortress, you prisoners of hope; even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you.” – Zechariah 9:12 NIV
Later that evening, when I got home, God told me to show them. So I proceeded to, in typical Virginia fashion, send them an email. I declare God’s word over my body and our baby. My husband relentlessly prayed over us day after day for seven days. On the seventh day, we returned to their office to see a perfectly viable pregnancy. The witnessing of that miracle, I don’t believe, was for me. To this day, I believe there was someone in that office who God was trying to touch, and he used us to touch them.
“I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the Lord has done.” – Psalms 118:17 NIV
Having Faith In The Waiting is Like Watching Paint Dry
Now I can’t lie and say that those seven days of waiting were easy, because they were far from that. A true test of my faith, as I continue to go to work, serving my church, pray relentlessly day in and day out and stand on the firm foundation of God’s word. That he knows the desires of my heart. Of course, it was a big sigh of relief when we went back to the office seven days later and saw our baby. Of course, after that, we switched offices.
Related Post: Grieving on the Wrong Side of the Grave
The holidays were a little extra special. We purchased ornaments about expecting in 2020, bought my parents surprise gifts as well. We even had a baby size stocking on the fireplace next to the stockings for our other kids. Our spiritual tanks were overflowing with joy. If I can be honest, I was a little afraid because I had previously miscarried about ten years ago. So while the excitement was on full, there was still a small nugget of fear in the back of my mind. It’s important to remember, although the things in your past may try to resurface, or you may have similar experiences, leave your past behind you and continue to look forward to a brighter future. Leave Your Past Behind You: Demons Behind Me Inspirational Clothing Line
Tested Faith Does Not Always Produce an Earthly Win
At the beginning of this year, God called our precious pregnancy to an end. We are still in the middle of grieving, but at the same time, what a beautiful act of love and mercy. If I can be honest, I know God does not want bad things to happen to us. Perhaps our child was not growing properly, or something terrible may have happened later on in the pregnancy. Instead of experiencing the pain later, God loves us enough to spare us. Even when the sparing also seems like a punishment.
“He rescues me unharmed from the battle waged against me, even though many oppose me.” – Psalms 55:18 NIV
Some people ask if you have faith in God, why did you have fears?
Honestly, my husband and some friends and family had these questions. How could God do this to you? How do you still have faith after all you’ve done for God and your community and for this to still happen to you? Trust me; there isn’t anything that anyone can say that will calm the questions that fill your broken heart. There are also no easy answers or quick fixes. Sometimes it can be hard to fully understand the hard truth, that bad things can, will and do happen to good people. No matter what age, no matter what stage in life. This can be harder to grasp for young, innocent children.
I think the hardest part for me (in both instances where I had failed pregnancies) is questioning why God tells us to multiply, but yet he still took the lives of two unborn children away from me.
“God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.” – Genesis 1:28 NIV
What helps me is knowing that on the other side of this world, God is holding them both in his arms. That the process my family had to experience wasn’t in vain. Through my testimony, the lives of doctors were changed at the first medical office. Lives at both offices were changed because they witnessed my faith through the pain. I know that I am not alone. Many have gone through similar situations, and through it all, God walks alongside us. John 14:16 NIV In addition to being comforted in the spirit, I am blessed to have a community of friends I do life with. Without them, walking through situations like these would be impossible. He helps us through the grief and pain that comes with losing your child. John 14:16 NIV
My Faith is Still Strong
Through all of these events, the crying, the nights on the living room flooring screaming out to God, my faith is still strong. When you have nothing else, what better to hold on to? My husband and I are continuing to pray to God for me to have a child. We won’t give up; we will continue to be relentless in our prayers. Even if our journey is complicated, it is always worth it and ever a teaching moment. In the end, I am already a parent, with three beautiful bonus children. My heart is full.
Related Post: Second Chances in Life: Blended Family
Some Answers Just Aren’t That Simple.
Being a follower of God doesn’t mean that all fear is removed, or that faith doesn’t exist. Being a follower of God doesn’t mean that we are always going to get what we ask for. The enemy will do his best to tell you that you aren’t worth anything. He will try to remind you that no matter how hard you pray, or how faithful you are, that God will and does forget about you.
I can honestly say when tragic events happen, sometimes we are quick to push God away. I got angry at him and I told him about it. People have told me God can handle our anger, so I let it out. It’s not healthy to hold in, so why bite my tongue? I always end up apologizing 10-minutes later, but at least it’s not stuck in my heart. Getting angry is a normal reaction.
I’ve had this song on repeat for the last two months while praying for my pregnancy and healing from the loss:
- Way maker, miracle worker, promise keeper light in the darkness.
- My God, that is who you are.
- Even when I don’t see it, you’re working.
- Even when I don’t feel it, you’re working.
- You never stop, you never stop working.
- You never stop you never stop working.
Reach Out to Me You Are Not Alone
For women and even men who are reading this and are in a season of life with pregnancy or trying to get pregnant, I would like to recommend a bible reading plan. I went through before I even got pregnant. It’s great and reminds you of the little things to remember to pray over your soon to be child.
For women and even men who are reading this and may have experienced a miscarriage (remember, this is my second one), so I know all of the feelings you are experiencing. I recommend another bible reading plan.